1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”
2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ”
3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”
4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”
5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.”
6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.”
7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.
8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.”
10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”
Hi there. Matt Fisher, idiot savant, here. Sorry it’s taken me a little while to sit down and write this post, if I’m honest I’ve been mostly a-wooing (those who saw the show will know who – the one I ran off to see at the end. I say ran. I like to think I left, actually, with rather a large volume of dignity). A gentleman never tells, of course, so I will strip this piece of reportage of sexual detail, while still being able to effectively communicate what I like to call gist. Essentially, it culminated in three nights of passion, followed by an unsavoury comment (which, yes, I now regret), several tears, and a long tube journey home listening to Bon Iver (which was a mistake). The crux of all this (and, yes, I can say crux, it’s nowhere near as rude as it sounds), is that I’m now single again, so ladies, tweet me. I’m currently trying to limit myself to only refreshing her Facebook page seven times per half-day, and in fact, am due one now. Excuse me.
Ok, sorry about that, I had to go for a long walk. I don’t know who the hell that guy is, but he can bloody well put his arm elsewhere as far as I’m concerned. So, I thought I’d write a little piece thanking everyone who came down to the Tristan Bates last week for my one-man show. I think we can safely say that those in attendance saw something pretty special that night. It was funny, yes, let’s not lose sight of that (in places, bloody funny. Who can forget my hilarious observations about why drunken women cry all the time? Watch your back, McIntyre. How? Get between two mirrors, that’s how. Because I am coming after you). The joke’s ultimately on McIntyre, because I will of course be approaching him from the side. But I think that starry-eyed and appreciative crowd also managed to learn a few things that night. Let’s not forget that I never set out to be a comedian, I set out to make the world a better place in every way I knew how – be that through self-help, humour or just bragging. And I hope those of you who saw the show appreciated that, and went home with smiles on your faces and tears in your hearts, because that’s how I see the world all the time. Ultimately, I think I delivered a night of music, fun, philosophy, and hard-rocking sex appeal that the crowd will have a hard time forgetting in a hurry. With any luck, I’ll be booking my good self a few more live shows in some London theatres over the spring, so do come and see me again sometime, it’d be great to see you there. Watch this space for further information. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m due another refresh on Melissa’s page. She might have updated her location or something.
Oh, while we’re at it, a big thanks, as ever, to Amy for helping me out so much with the show – gal, you swell.
Melnyk, you were pretty supportive too, thanks man. Can you buy some beef?
See y’all real soon.
Matthew Robin Fisher (the Robin is silent)
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