Funny

 Foster’s Funny: The Fast Show (Episode 10)

A bumper pack of characters this week with The 13th Duke of Wymbourne, Johnny Nice Painter, Ron Manager, Our Janine, Arthur Atkinson & the all new Uptown Downstairs.

 Episode 10 of The Fast Show is now live!

A Personal Appraisal from Matt Fisher 

by Joz Norris

Hi there. Matt Fisher, idiot savant, here. Sorry it’s taken me a little while to sit down and write this post, if I’m honest I’ve been mostly a-wooing (those who saw the show will know who – the one I ran off to see at the end. I say ran. I like to think I left, actually, with rather a large volume of dignity). A gentleman never tells, of course, so I will strip this piece of reportage of sexual detail, while still being able to effectively communicate what I like to call gist.  Essentially, it culminated in three nights of passion, followed by an unsavoury comment (which, yes, I now regret), several tears, and a long tube journey home listening to Bon Iver (which was a mistake). The crux of all this (and, yes, I can say crux, it’s nowhere near as rude as it sounds), is that I’m now single again, so ladies, tweet me. I’m currently trying to limit myself to only refreshing her Facebook page seven times per half-day, and in fact, am due one now. Excuse me.

Ok, sorry about that, I had to go for a long walk. I don’t know who the hell that guy is, but he can bloody well put his arm elsewhere as far as I’m concerned. So, I thought I’d write a little piece thanking everyone who came down to the Tristan Bates last week for my one-man show. I think we can safely say that those in attendance saw something pretty special that night. It was funny, yes, let’s not lose sight of that (in places, bloody funny. Who can forget my hilarious observations about why drunken women cry all the time? Watch your back, McIntyre. How? Get between two mirrors, that’s how. Because I am coming after you). The joke’s ultimately on McIntyre, because I will of course be approaching him from the side. But I think that starry-eyed and appreciative crowd also managed to learn a few things that night. Let’s not forget that I never set out to be a comedian, I set out to make the world a better place in every way I knew how – be that through self-help, humour or just bragging. And I hope those of you who saw the show appreciated that, and went home with smiles on your faces and tears in your hearts, because that’s how I see the world all the time. Ultimately, I think I delivered a night of music, fun, philosophy, and hard-rocking sex appeal that the crowd will have a hard time forgetting in a hurry. With any luck, I’ll be booking my good self a few more live shows in some London theatres over the spring, so do come and see me again sometime, it’d be great to see you there. Watch this space for further information. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m due another refresh on Melissa’s page. She might have updated her location or something.

Oh, while we’re at it, a big thanks, as ever, to Amy for helping me out so much with the show – gal, you swell.

Melnyk, you were pretty supportive too, thanks man. Can you buy some beef?

See y’all real soon.

Matthew Robin Fisher (the Robin is silent)

Joz Norris’ website

@JozNorris

Videos

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 Funny Not Slutty

Funny not Slutty features comedy for women created by female producers, writers, humorists and comedians. FnS Original Productions have been featured by Funny or Die, BestViral.com, TVGuide.com and Internet Video Magazine.

www.funnynotslutty.com

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 Comedy of Errors

This featured on The Sunday Times “Culture Planner” website!

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One Liners…

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.” – Tim Vine

“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

“I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say “bought” – I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.” – Jack Whitehall

“What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.” - Bo Burnham

“Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.” - John Bishop 

“I’m not really sexist. I love women. I strongly believe women should be treated as if they’re equal.” – Richard Herring

“I wanna meet a guy who’s smart. Not the kind of guy who licks his finger before turning the page on a Kindle.” – Andi Osho

“There are two secrets to comedy. (1) Always leave them wanting more.” – Dave Gorman

“How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb? Potatoes.” – Daniel Sloss

“A problem shared is attention gained” – Pippa Evans

” ‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three.’ Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long

“I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it’s not enough to just buy it.” - Sarah Millican

“I ran three miles today … finally I said, ‘Lady, take your purse’.” – Emo Phillips

“Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…” - Gareth Richards

“I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.” - David Gibson as Ray Green

“I picked up a hitch hiker. You gotta when you hit them.” - Emo Philips

“Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.” - Gary Delaney

“Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.” - Bec Hill

“How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.” - Dan Antopolski

“My mother is always taking photographs of me; she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news.” - Gareth Richards

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” - Gary Delaney

“I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.” - Emo Phillips

What are your favourite one liners? Comment below!